Is there anything weirder than a blind date?

I’m not talking about those blind dates that you used to see on sitcoms from the 70’s, where a friend of a friend sets the whole thing up and Jack Tripper cooks a meal while his goofy female roommates hide behind the couch.

I’m talking about these blind dates that you set up for yourself.
These blind dates you somehow manage to pick up on the internet.

What used to be referred to as a “Match.com date” is now more commonly known as the “MySpace Hookup.”

Marrieds and singles alike are subject to random ‘messages’ from random people who just happen to ‘stumble’ upon their space.

This is nothing like receiving a comment on MSN Spaces.
Don’t be fooled. It totally lacks any semblance of dignity.

People beg each other for friendship, and then get hurt when their request is ignored or denied. Friends cheat on friends, steal friends, harass friends, covet friends. You name it, it’s going on. There is excessive and compulsive stalking taking place. You are stalked, they are stalked, your friends are stalked, their friends are stalked … friends are stalking friends who don’t even know any of their friends. Friends get stalked because they are friends with other friends’ friends and so on and so forth.

It’s a very odd little world.
One that is so ridiculous, yet addictive, that I am ashamed of myself daily.
I hate it and I can’t get enough of it at the same time.
I imagine it is much like crack.

Occasionally, what appears to be a ‘normal person’ sends you a message that may peak your interest. If chatting ensues with any frequency, there may be phone contact.

We all know what happens after that.
The face-to-face MySpace Hookup.

Knowing the kind of behavior that takes place on MySpace, the idea of a face-to-face meeting sort of leaves me a bit … hesitant.

Let’s just say that some guy asks you to meet him for coffee.
If you don’t immediately think, ‘Coffee. I wonder if that is MySpace code for kidnapping?’ there may be something wrong with you.

I refer to these meetings, not as the MySpace Hookup, but as the “Coffee/Kidnap Combo”.

I think that if you agree to one of these meetings, you should have a safety plan in place; A system of friends set up in the meeting place who are hiding behind menus … possibly with walkie-talkies and/or giant sunglasses.

Since, presumably, the date has no idea what your friends in real life actually look like, the sunglasses and menus may make them only more obvious ... but there is always the possibility that he may recognize one of your friends from her profile picture anyway.

I mean, let’s face it, he’s probably stalked her for weeks.

Better to be safe than everybody being sorry.
It’s your safety you should be worried about, here, not this guy’s feelings.
He is a stranger ... and you’ve known you all your life.
Plan accordingly.

Scatter the friends about.
This way, they can all report to each other on what they see from their own vantage point.

“The Eagle has landed. Over.”
“Roger that. Over.”

There must be a backup plan in place and agreed upon by all parties, (well, except Mr. Date). An elaborate system of signals must be worked out and practiced daily until the date of the face-to-face encounter. One wrong move and the whole safety net is blown, people! So pay attention! The subject of the date, let’s call her Little Phoenix, is the one frantically signaling. If she gets no response, there will be trouble ... that may or may not include duct tape.

She expects a series of things to occur.
She will give a signal that should cause the following:

“The Eagle is dangerously close to Little Phoenix. Over.”

"Be on the lookout for unauthorized moves. Over."

“Just spotted the Eagle touching Little Phoenix. Repeat: Eagle fondled Phoenix. Over."